Many people seek the support and guidance of a relationship expert, coach, or counselor to help them overcome relationship challenges. This is a very healthy forward motion for a partnership, and it can make some couples go the distance while enjoying far greater connection and happiness over time. But what if we were to look a step before the crisis, to the moment when we are choosing a partner in the first place? 

 The phrase ‘opposites attract’ has some potential truth within the field of relationships, but it is a very overused expression that doesn’t hold as much wisdom as it might first appear to. It is frequently used to smooth over potential clashes and inherent issues between two people in an effort to keep things going. Or it can be an idealistic narrative to use when heading out on the dating scene when you might reach the point of total exasperation of not finding the one.

Do we really want to leave our relationships to chance based on a coined expression?

When looking for love, it’s essential to choose someone that aligns with us. And this isn’t all found in attraction, despite how tempting it might be to only listen to this part of our decision-making instinct!

Here are 8 essential qualities to look for when choosing someone to spend your valuable time with: 

1. Authenticity. The basis of any healthy relationship is trust. If someone is not able to be genuine with you, then it will not be possible to build a true bond with one another. Nerves can make us do funny things on early dates, but if you consistently get the feeling that someone isn’t authentic, then it’s time to walk away. 

2. Listening. In modern times, the flash of a smartphone notification can cause the very best of us to glance away from a loved one when they’re speaking. Great listening takes some practice! Look out for if your potential partner is making an effort to hear you beyond just waiting for their turn to talk. Good listeners are great partners!

3. Friendship. Far too often, we make choices of partners based on attraction rather than values and interests. We can also come to expect different treatment from a partner than we would a friend. The healthiest relationships are built around the core characteristics of a great friendship. Can you see this person as someone you’d choose as a friend? Are they someone that would be fun to spend time with if you weren’t in a relationship with them? If so, they could be a keeper. 

4. Openness. Vulnerability is a scary thing to embrace, but it is vital to the process of bonding between two people. It is a gradual process, but it’s important to the wellbeing of your relationship. Is this person able to be open with their thoughts and ideas? Are they open to appreciating yours?

5. Values. It’s perfectly normal - and healthy - to have varying interests from one another. Enjoying different hobbies and liking different music adds variety to your shared experiences. But if you have starkly differing ethical views, this needs taking a closer look at. Will you be able to balance your contrasting political stances in the future? Do you agree enough to raise children together in unison? Embrace learning from one another, but never feel you need to compromise your core values.

6. Humor. In numerous studies, humor has shone out as one of the stars of a healthy relationship. You might not crack the same bad jokes like him, or she might have a different style of comedy to you, but if you can make each other laugh regularly, then this is a fantastic sign going forwards. Life can be challenging - choose someone who can raise a smile on the more challenging days!

7. Ambitions. It can be tempting to ignore ‘deal-breaker’ aspects of your future plans in order to be able to enjoy the present moment together. But if you don’t agree on where you’re headed in the future, then this might cause heartbreak later down the line. If you know you want children and this person doesn’t, this could mean you aren’t right for each other. Talk it out, but never let go of your dreams. 

8. Forgiveness. We are all wonderfully human. We are filled with emotions, hormones, feelings, ideas, and histories. This can mean we have ‘off days’ and say or do the wrong thing. Choosing someone who appreciates your intentions even when you mess up is vital. It’s not about accepting poor (or abusive) behaviors from one another. It’s about seeing the bigger picture when the other elements of the relationship are healthy.

Before you rush out on to the dating scene or into the arms of a new partner, take an important moment (or eight, in this case) to yourself in order to fully consider what you’re really looking for in a potential future spouse. Our valuable time is irreplaceable. Spend the precious minutes, hours, and years of your life with someone who deserves your time and who compliments the person you are continuing to become. 

If someone isn’t the right fit, don’t lose hope. Perhaps they can become a great friend, or maybe it just wasn’t the right chapter of your life for this person to walk with you a while. Stay open-minded to who could add to your life, and who you might enjoy building a relationship with. It’s not often the person we first expected - which is all an incredible part of the journey.