Have you ever been offended by something said to you - yet felt silenced by the flippant follow-up comment of ‘I was only joking’ in reply to your response? We’ve all been there. It’s undoubtedly frustrating and ultimately pretty hurtful. When it comes from someone you love and admire, it can have even more of a negative impact on our emotions and our self-value.When it comes to relationships, communication is an integral lifeblood. Our words really matter, both on and offline. How we speak to one another is essentially the measure of how much we do (or do not) respect and value another person. Our words, therefore, are key tools for change within a partnership situation. When we lose our cool and life gets stressful, verbal language is often the first place that our emotions can get the better of us. How we speak to others and to ourselves is a clear indicator for how we are really feeling. Even if the words themselves don’t actually explain the narrative, the underlying message behind what we are expressing certainly does.

Of course, we don’t always mean what we say. Some days, our emotions will get the better of us, which can cause us to say things we might not otherwise. When our loved ones come into the firing line of our harshly spoken words, great harm can be caused. This can lead to deep wounds that time cannot always heal.

It’s okay to allow someone we love to speak out of turn every now and again with the shared understanding that it is a rare occurrence and that the true intention is loving. This not to say that we should endlessly make excuses for someone being verbally abusive - absolutely not. But it does mean that we can humanly allow for some error. Perfection isn’t the goal here - nor is it actually a possibility in the real world!

The way to know if someone is verbally abusing you is to check in with how you feel about what they’re saying.

Do you feel irritated, upset, or deflated? Are you searching for clues within what they have said to you for potential signs of love and care? If you are having to work especially hard to glean any goodness from the communication this person is sharing with you, then something isn’t right. Trust your gut and what it’s telling you. 

Sometimes we may not want to consider the truth as we are afraid of taking necessary action from there. However, failure to listen to our instincts can lead us into some abusive situations. Our instincts are present within us to keep us safe from harm. Sure, we all overreact on occasion. But even when we do, it is rooted from a deep-seated discomfort somewhere within us. 

Listen to your emotions. They’re there to guide you to safety.

There is no template ‘good or bad’ list to refer to when it comes to verbal abuse, as we have explored already. What one person finds acceptable may be entirely not okay by someone else’s standards. This is very normal! We each have our own set of boundaries, beliefs, and values to work from. The important thing is to tune in and trust your own feelings on any given circumstance.

Take an example: your sister might be totally fine with her boyfriend cursing a lot in front of her. Even cursing at her, when they’re joking around and being silly. It’s okay to not be okay with the same behaviors within your own relationship. You don’t need to be a replica of a friend - it’s okay to choose your own limits!

Sometimes verbal abuse isn’t obvious. It may not come in the form of direct threats or offensive language. Gaslighting is a common form of verbal abuse that often goes undetected. By its nature, it’s subtle and hard to spot which makes it all the more impactful (and harmful) ultimately. It is essentially verbal manipulation that is designed to make you doubt yourself. It is the slow trickle of a negative message that seeks to deconstruct your self-esteem bit by bit.

An example of gaslighting might be where a partner regularly questions your choice of meal, seemingly because they care, but which causes you to feel self-conscious about your selection. Or perhaps they tell you they love you, but that they’re worried your friends and family aren’t ‘good for you’ in an effort to isolate you from them. These are all very real examples of what is a very harmful relationship behavior.

If you are unsure whether you are being verbally abused, but feel something isn’t right, then listen hard to your instincts. There’s a reason why you are doubting what’s happening here. Speak to a trusted friend who will be able to listen without judgment, to get a second opinion. Refer to resources like this article for further insight into what might be occurring. Equip yourself with the tools you need to gain a clearer picture of your situation.

There is no need to doubt or suspect everyone you meet in fear of verbal abuse of any kind. It’s important to our personal development and our happiness that we seek to connect and share who we are with others. This is what life - and love - is really all about in the end! However, your mental health and wellness is also extremely important. 

Take good care of your heart and only allow those who truly deserve you to hold it in their hands.