Welcome to the Summit Survey Series - it's great to have you here with us!

During this series, we are exploring the questions answered by people you wanted to solve it. Each article will explore the statements and the solutions that could be applied in your relationship. We conducted this detailed survey to find the answers to your questions with the results to provide further resources that will genuinely help you. You can read through all five articles or dive straight into the topic that best suits your current concerns. All the question articles can be found under 'Research' 'Blog' or searching for 'Summit Survey Series' on the Blog search bar.

If you are interested in viewing more detailed information about the study, the files are available listed below:

The Quantitative Report (PDF) | The Report Keynote Summary (PDF) | The Raw Data (xlsx)

Question 4 of 5: What Topics Should Couples Discuss BEFORE Getting Married?

Answered by: 132 Married Individuals throughout America.

Ah, the power of hindsight. Would you make any decisions differently if you had its impossible power? Perhaps some moments are springing to your mind from your past currently that you would change if you could. Are there conversation narratives that would run a little differently if you knew then what you know now, in this current moment?

We included this specific survey question as we understand and appreciate the power of shared wisdom to offer the kind of hindsight we know could transform the future of many marriages. The results are in, and we have the wisdom to share with you now that comes straight from those who have already experienced the joys - and challenges - that marriage brings with it.

Over half of the respondents surveyed (58%) felt that it was crucial that couples discussed the topic of children.

Their responses described that it wasn’t just important to discuss whether each person wanted to have children or not. It went deeper than that. They felt that there was more to this pivotal question than that. How many children and when to have them in the timeline of the relationship was also very important to those that responded to our survey.

The issue of whether to have children or not is surprisingly a very common issue that married couples visit the the offices of relationship experts and therapists to face. It is surprisingly common to not face this issue head on, purely from a position of assumption. Perhaps in your early dating days you playfully discussed what your future children would look like and what you would like to name them and you safely assumed this would become a reality. Or maybe you and your partner haven’t ventured near the topic for fear of discovering a deal-breaker between you both.

Ultimately, it is vital to the happiness and the mental health of you both to live a life that is true to your wishes and desires. Compromise is fundamental to a healthy relationship but the giving up of a dream is not. If you know you want multiple children in the next 5 years and your partner wishes to have freedom and travel opportunities for the duration of that period then a serious conversation needs to be had between you about the viability of your combined goals.

It is never easy to discuss topics that could lead to the ultimate end of a relationship. But by avoiding such issues, you are only storing up greater pain and heartache later down the line. There is always possibility that a resolution can be found, such as compromising on the timeline of your plans together to include aspects of both of your wishes. However, if your partner wants children and you know deep in your heart that you don’t, then this marriage may not work out. Be brave, take a deep breath, and talk it all out together as soon as possible.

This honest and open conversation practice was something that was agreed by our survey respondents to be vital to a healthy, happy marriage. Whether it was regarding the subject of wanting children, sexual desire, financial spending, or where you’d like to live communication about these topics was agreed to be key.

When it came to finances, 56% of our summit survey replies agreed that money was something that needed to be spoken about before a couple plans to marry.

They felt that financial expectations needed to be laid out on the table before joining in legal matrimony. One survey responder also shared the following thoughts on the matter:

“Living together before marrying helps you to cover all the roommate based conversation topics, such as money, scheduling, chores. But for the emotional stuff, I think you have to dig deep. What will you both do when the going gets tough?”

This quote offers not only a highly recommend couple strengthening approach in living together first to work out your domestic roles together, but also offering rich perspective on being on one another’s team in the longer run. The concept of considering how you will both react when you face unexpected obstacles together is a powerful one. Because at the end of the day a perfectly

balanced home life isn’t enough on its own to carry a marriage. Teamwork is as important as any other aspect you will share together.

Your home together needs to be a safe space in any different ways. It is your cocoon away from the rest of the world for times of rest. It is a venue to host your loved ones such as friends and family. It is also a space where you can be yourself. Your marital home should be somewhere that you can feel able to express yourself without fear of reactivity from the marital partner you share it with.

Yes, as the statement above describes, it is a recommendable idea to get your chore duties and responsibilities in good order to avoid future disputes. But this quote also powerfully identifies the significance of emotional health. Create space within your home and your life together to cultivate loving appreciation of each other. Doing so will allow for far more of the vital open conversations about your desires and ambitions that you’ll need and want to have.