How To Build A Healthy Relationship You’re Proud Of
You may be entering a new relationship or reevaluating one you’re already in. Whatever the case may be, learning how to build a healthy relationship is a valuable life skill to have. It’s not as intimidating as it sounds, and you already know how to do it. You just need a little reassurance.
What makes a relationship healthy?
A healthy relationship involves people who care about the growth of the relationship as well as the growth of one another. Still, healthy relationships don’t look the same for everyone.
But they do feel the same— incredible and empowering.
Healthy relationships are strong because the people in them know what their relationship is all about. They know where the relationship currently is and what they want from it. As strong as any relationship may be, it doesn’t go without its tough times.
Life has a funny way of throwing obstacles in our way. When we face these obstacles, we have to decide whether to run from them or learn from them. A healthy relationship can look like a lot of things but in the end, only you can say what’s right for you.
How to cultivate healthy relationships
Everyone wants to believe every relationship in our lives is a healthy one. The only way to know for sure is to understand the difference between healthy versus unhealthy relationships. Our ability to form intimate relationships is something that we develop during childhood. It’s something that we have within ourselves even when we aren’t consciously listening to our inner voice.1
During a TEDtalk given by Joanne Davila, professor of psychology, she mentions three qualities in a person that give them the ability to cultivate healthy, happy relationships. Listed below are the three characteristics as well as one of our own. They describe what the qualities are and what they mean.2
Insight. The ability to know who you are, what you want, what you need, and why you do the things you do.
Mutuality. The ability to understand that both people have a set of needs, and both sets of needs deserve attention.
Emotion regulation. The ability to keep your emotions in perspective when you respond to the situations that come up in your relationship.
Focus shift. The ability to engage in the positive as well as the negative aspects of your relationship. To be able to appreciate the relationship as a whole and work towards solutions as you press forward.
Relationship red flags include:
A partner who compares you to other people. The need to say how much better or worse you are than someone else speaks more about them than it does about you.3
There’s no sexual connection. Bad sex says a lot about how you connect with your partner. Trying to make it work is one thing but if it doesn’t get better, there may be some miscommunication happening.
A partner who is adamant about secrecy. Keeping your relationship away from your mutual friends isn't about their privacy.
A partner who only talks about themselves. All the time, like there’s no room in the room for both of you?
Demands that sound like suggestions. Any conversation that ends in you doing something you aren’t comfortable doing.
Gaslighting your feelings. When you start a conversation about how you feel and, instead of showing genuine concern, your partner gets defensive or blames it on something else.4
Red flags in a relationship aren’t the end of the world. Not every red flag means it’s time to call your relationship quits. Some red flags are an opportunity for “individual growth or increased couple intimacy.” When you take the time to have an honest conversation with your partner, you can figure it out together.5
Determine the type of relationship you’re in
Take your time as you sort through the good and bad of your relationship to determine if its healthy or unhealthy. Something to consider is the many types of love a person can experience.
The ancient Greeks came up with seven types of love. Each with a thorough description of what that love means. The brief descriptions below provide some insight into the seven types.
Phila— affectionate love.
Pragma— enduring love.
Storge— familiar love.
Eros— romantic love.
Ludus— playful love.
Mania— obsessive love.
Philautia— self-love.
Agape— selfless love.
Arrange the types of love you experience within your relationship into a bouquet of love. By gaining an understanding of the love you're experiencing, you'll be able to move forward.6
Where do I start?
Being in a healthy relationship with someone else starts with being in a healthy relationship with yourself. Loving and understanding who you are does wonders as you cultivate healthy relationships.
You’ll find people who value you, your hopes, and your dreams— without asking them to.
Think about the relationships you currently have in your life. Romantic relationships count, too. Are any of them unhealthy? What makes them unhealthy? As you begin to identify unhealthy aspects in your current relationships, opting for healthy alternatives will be a piece of cake.
Relationships aren’t always breezy and fun, and that’s okay. Once you start an inner dialogue with yourself, you'll begin to trust yourself. Then you can start making wonderful choices when it comes to the relationships you build.
