How to Voice and Set Boundaries in a Relationship
Love is intoxicating.
We give in to our partners' demands for the sake of love. We bend our personal rules to fulfill the whims of our special someone. We sacrifice many aspects of our lives to satisfy our partners.
While it’s true that a relationship requires effort from both sides, where do we draw the line?
Our personal boundaries define our space and are essential not just for our well-being but also for our relationship. When there’s too much intrusion into your lives, more than you're willing to allow, it can lead to bitterness and contempt.
Setting boundaries in a relationship can be a game-changer. It becomes even better when both are entirely vocal about the boundaries they want each other to follow before the problems arise. This strikes a healthy balance where both don’t lose their individuality and feel completely invested in the relationship.
What Does a Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundary Look Like?
Unhealthy boundaries are too interdependent on the partner for their happiness, joy and gratification. But a healthy boundary establishes the foundation of a meaningful relationship through which both the partners grow together with a support system and without too much emotional dependency.
Healthy Boundary: I can make myself happy without the help of anyone else.
Unhealthy Boundary: My happiness is completely dependent on my partner. It’s my partner’s responsibility to make me happy.
Healthy Boundary: I understand that my partner and I have different values, opinions and beliefs, and I respect that.
Unhealthy Boundary: I want my partner and me to be so in sync that we have the same tastes, values and opinions.
Healthy Boundary: I love to spend time with my friends and form new friendships.
Unhealthy Boundary: I prefer to hang out with my partner than with my friends. In fact, I want my partner to be my friend and I’d like to do all the friend stuff with my partner.
Healthy Boundary: I’m open to listening to my partner, discussing our future and deciding on something that we both agree on.
Unhealthy Boundary: I know what’s best for our relationship and I would want my partner to listen and agree with that.
When you find yourself nodding to unhealthy boundaries, it’s time to establish your limits and be vocal about what’s okay and what isn’t.
5 Ways to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship
1. Rules for Disagreement
Every relationship is bound to have conflicts and disagreements. The key here is the way the couple handles this problem.
There are several unhealthy ways of dealing with disagreements that can only brew more trouble. Do you want a partner who screams their heads off or storms out and doesn't talk for days together? What’s the boundary when both have different opinions?
You need to sit down with your partner and decide the rules for disagreement — something along the lines of listening to each other, understanding each other's opinions and politely disagreeing.
2. Limits for Sharing
As much as we love our partner, there are some physical limits that we don’t like to cross.
Are you okay if your partner uses your soap? Toothbrush? Clothes?
What are the sharing terms for food or living space?
Or, are you like Joey, who doesn’t like to share food?
Be clear upfront about the certain physical boundaries that you wouldn’t want your partner to cross. Trust me when I say that even your partner would definitely have similar physical boundaries too.
So ask them their physical limits and make sure to follow them — even when it’s too weird.
3. Threshold for Your Personal Space
Every one of us has this personal space where we don’t want anyone to meddle. It can be our side project, our alone time, or our business decisions.
The best relationships thrive when the couples respect each other’s personal space and individuality. So when you feel like your partner is crossing into your personal space, sit them down and talk to them politely.
Even better, talk to them before any such things happen and be transparent about the specific aspects of your life that come within your personal space.
4. Guidelines for Digital Space
We live in an era where our digital lives dominate our physical ones.
Many couples get into fights because of what the other posted, liked or commented on social media. So it’s crucial to set the boundaries for the digital world too.
Can I tag you in a post that takes a dig at you?
Do you want me to get your approval before tagging you in a post or sharing your picture?
Do we have to follow each other’s friends on social media and engage with them?
Make sure that your partner is okay with your digital behaviour. Establish your digital boundaries and make sure to listen and accept your partner’s personal digital habits too.
5. Boundaries for Family & Friends
Some of us would want our significant other to have great relationships with our family and friends. And some may want to keep both these lives separate.
If you’re in the latter category or still haven’t reached that phase in your relationship, explain that openly to your partner. You do not want your partner to start talking to your friends without your permission and be put in an awkward position.
Establish boundaries about talking to your family and friends and also about stuff you don't want them to share
6. Voice Your Boundaries
When you want a long-term relationship with your partner, then you need to voice out your boundaries as soon as possible. Sit them down and talk to them out loud in the calmest way possible.
Some boundaries may depend on the stage of your relationship, and some are based on your personal choices. Whatever it may be, you need a partner who respects your boundaries and is pretty vocal about theirs too.
