Become Financially Nude: How to talk about money before marriage

When it comes to wedding planning, it’s easy to be absorbed into the world of nuptial plans and romantic ideas. Wonderfully so, in fact. Building out your plans for the big day is an exciting process, as it rightly should be. The experience should ignite joy within you both long after the wedding gifts have been unwrapped and the guests have journeyed home.

Are you looking for a happy marriage or a wedding event? 

Many couples fall into the trap of getting caught up in the fairy lights of a wedding celebration without giving enough thought to what lies beyond the day itself. Just ahead of that confetti covered walkway is a lifelong, shared future together. This part of your love story is actually the most precious of all.

Getting married is a beautiful celebration of your union together as two people in long-lasting love. It is your public statement of promise to one another. Your vows and signatures are to become the start point from which your life is launched from. Do you feel you spend enough time discussing what that shared future will look like?

Finance doesn’t tend to be associated with romance. Talking through your salary expectations and pension plans don’t tend to be highlighted as ‘date night’ conversational material. But in reality, finance is a significant part of your developing relationship. How, when, and where you spend your money inescapably is a large part of your shared experience together.

Want to set up your relationship for success? Get naked - financially naked!

Stop undoing your belt - you can keep your clothes on for now! I’m not telling you to get actually naked here. What I am referring to is financial nudity. Which by and large, could be the pivotal axis of your marriage as a whole. How so? Because honesty is always the best policy. Especially so within a healthy, happy relationship. 

If you are not able to be open and truthful about your financial situation and your vision for your future with your partner, then this needs to be addressed. Take some time to think about where this barrier has grown from. Have you had experiences in past relationships that have taught you to hold back?

Perhaps you are shy to propose a new idea, or you are embarrassed to admit you are less financially savvy than you might have made out thus far. Whatever is holding you back, find the root and pull it right out into the light of the sun.

So— how can we go about cultivating open discussion with our partners, to achieve the financial nudity I have referred to here? The first step, is to create space to have these kinds of conversations. Briefly covering what bills need paying as you grab a piece of toast on your way out the door to work won’t cut it. Pushing bank statements at your partner in the hopes they take full responsibility for them also won’t work! Are you a couple (like most) that struggles to find time to spare? You certainly aren’t alone, if so. It can be tricky to fit in quality time together when professional commitments and similar responsibilities start to stack up. The key to creating a healthy habit is to dedicate a specific slot of time to attend to it. Perhaps every Saturday morning would be ideal for you, or after work on a Wednesday each week. Stick to what works for you both.

During your allotted communication time, cultivate a healthy atmosphere by agreeing upon stepping into a judgement-free zone together. This is not the moment to drag up how annoyed you are about the price of the television your partner chose, or the bill they forgot to pay that time that incurred a charge. Let the small things go in order to achieve your higher goals!

Your conversation doesn’t need to (and really shouldn’t) feel like a ‘big deal’ in any way. This is simply a safe space to discuss your current situation and your future plans. Think of it as a refreshing check-in to see if you’re working from the same timesheet. Ask each other open and positive questions such as:

“Are you worried about anything to do with our spending?”

“What are your ideas about your future work/our income - do you have any new plans?”

“How do you feel about our expenditure - are there any areas we could improve?”

“What do you love most about what we spend our money on - what makes you happy?”

“What direction do you think we should take our savings from here?”

Collect together the data you’ll need to make economic/very important decisions together. Keep things simple. Banking statements are all you need. Retrieve those scary letters from the kitchen drawer you’ve stuffed them into (we’ve all been there) and bring the truth into the light. It’s never as bad as you think it will be. You actually may surprise yourselves at how capable you are together at dealing with any challenges you face financially once you know what you’re dealing with.

Money isn’t everything. Dollar bills cannot build a happy home; only the house will be built within. However, having a strong collective hold on your financial situation together will give you both the best possible chance at building a secure life together. Consider financial planning as an act of love, nothing less! 

After all - we’re in this better for worse and for richer or for poorer, right?

Right!