Do you feel like you are your partner are always talking past each other? You try to communicate how you feel, but they just do not seem to get it. You try to do nice things for them, but they do not respond the way you had hoped. You feel exhausted and you are not sure how to move forward with your relationship.

If this is you, please know that you are not alone! And, what is more, your situation is not hopeless.

Many couples' problems stem from a lack of healthy communication. This makes sense, because healthy communication does not just happen. It has to be learned over time. And yet that is what lays a strong foundation for any relationship.

Here are a few tips to get you started as you pursue healthy communication with your partner.

The Dos

Photo by **Greta Hoffman** from **Pexels**

Learn How Your Partner Loves.

You are probably familiar with the concept of love languages. Each person shows love in a particular way, and they like to receive love in the same way. For instance, you may be trying to show your partner love by buying gifts because that is what makes you feel loved. Your partner, however, might be aching to hear some words of encouragement and affirmation from you. Although they enjoy the gifts, they feel most loved when you build them up verbally. If you are not sure what your partner's love language is, keep an eye out for how they show love to you - they probably crave the same kind of attention! Or, simply ask them outright what makes them feel most loved, and then practice that skill often.

Practice Active Listening.

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with your partner and heard what they were saying without really listening? Maybe you were distracted by angry thoughts or you were planning what to say next. Either way, it probably did not end well. Active listening is the discipline of putting aside other thoughts and focusing on what your partner is saying so you can truly understand what they are feeling. Wait a few seconds after they are done talking to make sure they are finished. Then, try putting what they said into your own words to make sure you got it right: "I hear you saying that you are tired of staying at home all the time. Did I get it right?" Active listening works wonders for communication.

Be Assertive (Not Confrontational).

Have you ever been silent about something that made you angry just because you wanted to keep the peace? It might work short-term, but a good communicator actually speaks up! If you are feeling angry, hurt, or confused about your relationship, it is better to address it sooner rather than later. After all, your partner can only fulfill your desires if they actually know what you want - and in order for them to know what you want, you have to tell them. Instead of using aggressive, confrontational statements (ex: "You never do anything around the house!"), use clear, assertive statements that communicate how you feel and what you want to change (ex: "I'm feeling overwhelmed when you leave all the cooking and cleaning to me. I would prefer it if we split the housework."). And remember, you can and should be assertive about the positive parts of your relationship too (ex: "I felt so loved when you cooked for me so I could finish my project. Thank you! I'd love it if you did it again sometime.").

The Dont's

Don't Play the Blame Game.

It is hard not to play the blame game in an argument or discussion. You always want to feel like the innocent person in the situation, and this is just a normal part of human nature. However, constantly blaming your partner for your relationship problems will only make the problem worse. After all, your goal is to solve the problem, not make your partner feel like a loser. And even if your partner is in the wrong, playing the blame game will only cause them to shut down. Try to avoid accusatory statements, which usually begin with "you always" or "you never." If you feel yourself on the edge of one of these statements, quickly resort to an assertive statement instead (see above).

Avoid Sarcasm.

Sometimes sarcasm is viewed as an art in modern society; the better you can use it, the wittier you are. And, indeed, sarcasm is relatively harmless in a bantering conversation or a fun battle of the wits. In a relationship, however, sarcasm often does more harm than good. This is especially true because sarcasm is often used in the middle of a disagreement. Using sarcasm to mock your partner tears them down and makes them unwilling to listen to the truly legitimate things you have to say. Sarcasm may prove your ability to think of witty statements on your feet, but it does not work toward solving issues in your relationship. So make an effort to cut it out of your conversation - and while you are at it, you can cut out other mean speech (like name-calling or other demeaning statements) as well!

Fight the Urge to Stonewall.

What is stonewalling? Essentially, stonewalling is shutting down and not allowing any discussion to happen. It might look like throwing up your hands and saying, "I am done with this conversation." It might look like folding your arms and saying, "Fine," when your partner asks how you are. It might look like giving your partner the cold shoulder and refusing to talk or respond to them. Once again, the urge to do this during a conflict is just part of being human. Sometimes it feels easier to disengage from discussion rather than to keep going and risk getting hurt more. However, this behavior stalls any attempts at finding a solution to the problem. If you need to step away from a conversation, simply let your partner know you need a minute but that you want to continue at a later time (bonus points if you can plan a specific time).

Kickstart Your Journey

Learning good communication is not always easy! Like everything else in life, it takes practice and commitment.

If you and your partner need a little guidance along the way, consider Couple Summit's self-guided relationship course. This course provides an intimate and fun way for you and your partner to learn healthy communication skills, make goals together, and create space for relationship check-ups. It not only helps you visualize a brilliant future, it also gives you hope along the way.

After all, with the right skills and a little determination, your relationship can work. It is never too late to start working on healthy communication!