How to Cope with grief as a Couple: What To Do When You Or Your Partner Is Grieving
Even if it’s been a long time coming and everyone says their good-byes, losing loved ones isn't something you’re ever ready for. The idea that someone you love, someone who’s rooted themselves in your life, will be gone forever isn’t easy to sit with.
Losing a loved one can be a lonely time in life. And when you’re in a relationship, loneliness affects both you and your partner. Imagine drifting away in a liferaft after your plane crashes. Now picture your partner slumped against the edge of the raft right beside you. The event and timing are both devastating. But you’re living through it together. You’re there for each other no matter how impossible the situation seems to get through or move past.
There’s never a right time to lose someone you love; there’s only the time. Whether it’s you or your partner who experiences the loss of a loved one, the going will get rough during the grieving process. But there’s comfort in solidarity and in knowing you have someone there to get through it with you.
As you both drift through the grieving process, remember that you’re both on the same raft. Albeit it may feel like on opposites sides sometimes, you’re both on the same raft. Ideally, it’ll feel natural and either of you will know how to react and support the other person. But there may also be moments where you have no idea how to react or respond.
How the grieving process works
The grueling grieving process always follows the death of someone we hold dear to our hearts. How we grieve may depend on the nature of the death itself and the relationship we had with the deceased. But progress is more of a squiggle than it is a straight line either way.
Five stages define the standard grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But in the late 1990s, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut introduced a dual-process model of grief. Not only does it say that taking time away from painful feelings of grief is okay, it says it’s healthy. This introduces a different way of handling grief.
As we grieve within our relationship, our connection to our partner relies on how open we can be throughout the process versus how many years we've been with them.
You can only get through the grieving process when you’re ready.
How to help your partner cope with grief
Grieving is a personal experience; the way your partner grieves may not be the way you grieve. It's possible you haven’t experienced grief yet. Or your relationship hasn't gone through it. Either way, here are a few things to keep in mind as your partner copes with the loss of someone they love (who isn’t you).
Listen to them talk
When they talk, listen to what they're saying. Your urge to help is coming from a good place but right now, they just want to be heard. You should never pressure them into talking about feelings they aren’t ready to go into. But being there when they're ready matters.
Find ways to show them you care
Your partner may not act like their “normal” selves while they grieve. They may feel guilty about asking for help or for hogging your attention. Practical tasks like buying groceries, walking the dog, or cleaning the apartment can show them you're there for them. So can baking goods, writing letters, or buying them flowers.
Find ways to be there for them without trying to solve their sadness. They don’t need you to fix them. Sadness is part of the process.
Let them feel at their own pace
Let your partner feel all their feelings, good and bad. Don’t sugarcoat memories or avoid talking about their lost loved ones altogether. If something you’re one day doing sparks a memory for them and they want to talk about it, give them that space. Rather than avoid their rollercoaster of emotions, help them embrace each one.
Distract them when they need it
Allowing yourself to feel deeply is a huge part of moving through the grieving process. This can be exhausting and overwhelming. Don’t be the person who tells them that they’re “supposed to” be grieving. Help them enjoy other parts of life outside of their grief. Grief isn’t a state of being, it’s a process — one that includes the ebb and flow of handling painful emotions.
How to tell your partner How they can help you grieve
When the tables turn and you're the one grieving, your partner may not know what to do to help. Grief is such a sensitive subject and there's so much emphasis on doing the "right" thing. These are a few staples to help you navigate expressing your needs during a time when you may not feel like you can.
Be direct about what you need
You don't know how you’re going to grieve until you do so there’s no way to know how well you’ll be able to articulate your needs. But when you’re able to, be direct. If you need time alone, someone to hold you, fancy takeout instead of cooking — because for some reason you’re fuming at the idea of a home-cooked meal — say that.
Keep them in the loop
There’s nothing wrong with what you feel or when you feel it. Grieving within a relationship means you're both affected in some way. There should be no pressure for you to “grieve quicker” to accommodate your partner. Avoid this feeling by staying honest about where you are in the process. And trust that your partner has only your best interests in mind.
Stay present in your life together
It can feel like the world is closing in and you need to burrow into a hole to be okay. The truth is, your partner may need you as much as you need them. Death shakes a relationship at its core so it's vital that they know you're still in it. In whatever minor way you're up for, show them you still care about the relationship. Something as simple as writing a post-it note to show your appreciation.
In the event that you're both grieving at the same time or grieving the same person, be kind and patient with each other.
Talking about death and grief in a society that barricades the subject in pillows, marshmallows, and every other soft object in the world is going to be awkward — especially in the beginning.
If you’ve read this, then chances are you’re interested in having some darn-right necessary conversations about death and the grieving process. The best time to talk about grief is BEFORE grief shows up in a relationship.
Our death mini-guide walks you and your partner through many starting points to hopefully get you both to a place where you’re comfortable talking about death.
And maybe, just maybe, get you to thinking about how it is you see yourself truly living.
Click here to grab a copy of our Death Guide: How to Deal with Death & Grief as a Couple
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