How To Spend The Holidays With In-Laws (Or Together) For The First Time EVER

I remember the first time I spent the holidays with my partner’s family. We had only been dating for four months and I had only met his family once before. I wasn't psyched about spending Christmas without my family. Or about traveling to another state to spend it with a family I knew little about. But we knew that we loved each other and this was the right thing to do (given a bunch of other circumstances). So that's what we did.

Our first Christmas together was wonderful. I'll admit that I spent a lot of that time confused. It was like I was waiting for my family's traditions to appear in his childhood home. But they didn't. His family wasn’t as big or as into Christmas as mine. While I get that not everyone loves Christmas, it was strange to experience what holidays were like outside of my family. I adjusted and took his lead.

Spending the holidays together for the first time may mean spending it with their family, too. Sure, it's scary.  You may find yourself equally nervous and excited on the car ride over. That’s natural. The best way to prepare yourself for holiday firsts is to make sure you and your partner go into the season as a unit. 

Surviving your first holiday together as a couple, in-laws or no in-laws, is a skill. It's a delicate balance between communication and stress-relief. 

IF: It’s your first time spending the holidays with their family.

No matter how much you play it down, spending the holidays with someone else’s family is a humongous step. Especially if it's your bae's family. You may not be sure if it's the right time to spend the holidays with their family. But there's no right time. You have to go with your gut, with what you feel is best for your relationship, and decide what "too soon" is.

Let’s say you both agree that this year is a great year to spend the holidays with their family. 

Here’s how to painlessly get through it:

• Figure out their holiday dynamic.

  Ask your partner all the questions (including a breakdown of extended family). What holidays does your partner’s family celebrate? Do they make a huge deal out of it or treat it like any other day? 

• Decide how you’re going to split time between families.

  If you’ve ever tried balancing family during holidays, then you know that it’s tricky and exhausting. So establish what you plan on doing ahead of time.

• Agree on gifts.

  What will gift-giving look like? Does their family exchange them? Will you two be exchanging them? It's better to know before you buy a gift for someone who's impossible to shop for. Tip: A holiday budget is super handy for this part.

• Be yourself with or without your partner around.

  It can be tempting to shy away into the background around people you don’t know. That feeling may magnify when you’re around such important people in your partner’s life. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. And don’t let the small dramas that come with the holidays ruin the entire experience.

• Acknowledge each other and help out.

  You may want to take their lead with PDA around their family. But you can still acknowledge each other’s existence in passing, check-in, and be present with each other. Also, helping out where you can, when you can, looks good. Always.

• Spend time alone, too.

  You don’t have to spend every waking moment with their family because you’re visiting them. There’s no law against taking an hour or an entire night to yourselves. You can balance sharing time with in-laws and with your partner.

IF: It’s your first time spending the holidays alone, but together.

The biggest question: Do you want to spend the holidays together? It doesn’t matter what society says is too soon or what the next step of your relationship should look like. It's your relationship. Own that and talk with your partner about what they think of the idea. Change is weird for everyone. But you have to decide if you’re ready to embrace a little change to include each other in old family traditions.

Let's say you decide to spend the holidays alone, but together. Maybe COVID-19 made traveling hard. Or maybe you don't want your families involved until you spend a holiday by yourselves first.

Here’s how to navigate this unknown:

• Figure out how to make this year special.

  Chances are, you’ve spent the whole year together already. Now is a great time to step outside your comfort zone or change your usual holiday pace. 

• Come up with new traditions, carry out some old ones.

  Pick a movie to watch every year around this time from now on. Combine family traditions and celebrate them all. Share and create moments with each other.

• Decide if you’re going to get each other gifts.

  Your love language may not be gifting so this part may or may not matter so much if it’s only the two of you. There’s no right or wrong answer, just what’s a good fit for your relationship. 

• Enjoy your inner child.

  The holidays make it easier for our inner children to come out and play. They’re happy and whimsical and free. Embrace these feelings in you and your partner. It’s okay to breathe and let go, 2020 has been wild. No judgments.

There’s always a first for everything, including where we spend our holidays. This year is special because COVID-19 makes traditional get-togethers particularly difficult. But awkward moments come with a whole lot of good. Be kind and talk with each other about what the holidays look like this year and go from there.

Resources:

https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/sweet-love/should-you-spend-the-holidays-together

https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/9zhd0w/invited_for_the_holidays_when_is_too_soon/

https://www.popsugar.com/love/Tips-Your-First-Holidays-Couple-44279700