Marriage Success - Why The Psychologists Are Saying Choice Is Everything
Have you ever complained that you seem to attract the 'wrong types' or that 'there just aren't any good ones left'? Or maybe you keep finding yourself in the same set of circumstances after each break-up, having suffered a similar kind of hurtful behavior. If so, you certainly aren't alone in thinking this way. Many of us fall into habits when choosing a partner based on a variety of psychological influences from our past loves and our childhoods.
If you are hoping to enjoy a long and happy marriage, then refining your selections is vital. Psychologists suggest that the key to most aspects and success in life is WHO you choose to marry. There are many things you can do to develop and nourish your relationship with another person, undoubtedly. Healthy love behaviors are vital to a marriage. But if you have partnered up with someone who inherently isn't right for you, then the task becomes - almost - impossible.
Sometimes we might make a partner choice based on fear of being alone. This is not uncommon, and it can cause a great deal of pain further down the line of the relationship. There is an extraordinary amount of pressure socioculturally to find 'the one,' and this can make some people make rash decisions that they later regret. This approach ends up hurting both parties.
According to the psychologist Dr. Barton Goldsmith (Ph.D.) it is well worth getting to know someone before diving into legal matrimony. She says, "Engagements used to be called 'handfasts,' and they lasted a year and a day. Things move quickly now, but it's wise to know someone at least six months before taking the leap." Goldsmith advocates techniques such as going on an 8-hour drive with your fiancé, amongst other couple challenges. In some circumstances, we might have looked for what we hoped was present within someone's character or their behaviors, such as kindness and generosity. Or we might hope they could change over time to suit us. This is a dangerous risk to take with your heart, which inevitably leads to a break down of the marriage later on when it becomes deeply apparent that this person isn't right for you and visa versa.
We crave human connection and a feeling of pack safety. This is intrinsic to us, and there's no getting away from it. However, this doesn't mean you are psychologically or physically fated to marry the first willing applicant to the role of marital spouse! You have the liberty of choice here. The best way of utilizing your freedom of selection is to become aware of what - and who - would suit you best.
Qualities that are grown from an instinct of authentic care for others is vital. Does the person you intend on marrying offer kindness easily and instinctively? Are they generous with their time and their energy with those they love? If so, then it is far more likely that they will be able to offer you the kind of love and support that you will need to cultivate a healthy bond together in the long term future.
Although this may seem contrary to what you have been told or read elsewhere, I encourage you to throw away the checklist you may have formed. Think you want a tall, dark and handsome stranger to whisk you off your feet? Looking for that brooding blonde you've seen images of online? Convinced, you need to find someone that will help you re-create your happy parent's marriage? Put down that list and take a big step away from it! Our preconceived ideas of what our partner 'should' look like and behave can hold us back from finding the fighting partner for us. Sure, we might find someone attractive on early dates with them. But are they the sort of person who will hold our hair back when we're sick, or stay calm and supportive if we run into unexpected financial crisis together? Focus on choosing someone you'd pick as a friend, not just someone who will look great on your newsfeed.
The great Maya Angelou famously once said that when people show us who they are, then believe them. Never a truer word was spoken when it comes to choosing a partner for marriage. It can be tempting to pour hope into what they 'might' end up becoming. But if someone is inconsistent with their affection or attention, then this is a sign they aren't going to be as committed as you might need or want them to be. Still, waiting for them to text you back? Exactly.
There is a good reason why psychologists are united in their belief that marriage success is built from great partner choice. Often couples seek support from relationship experts and psychology professionals when things start to go wrong. But imagine if we could apply the same knowledge and perspectives from the outset, to help us choose the right person in the first place. Things could work out extraordinary - and joyously - differently. Don't get caught up in anxiety about making 'wrong' choice. Consider this article a gentle nudge in the direction of enjoying the process of choosing your life partner. This isn't a race, nor an exam. This is your opportunity to take all you have learned through the course of your life and apply the very best of your awareness to find someone who will celebrate the very best parts of you.
By doing so, you'll be leveling up your marriage success chances exponentially. Oh, and you'll have a whole lot more fun along the way also! Don't forget that love and relationships shouldn't feel like a part-time job or a stressor in your life. Marriage should be about two very best of friends joining together to commit to taking great care of each other as they venture forwards in life.
Nothing more, and certainly no less.
