If you feel unlucky in love or have had several failed relationships in the past, it may be due to an inability to form secure attachments with others. According to the theories and studies by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, a sense of attachment forms in childhood and relates to confidence that others (caregivers or partners) will be available and supportive when needed. When support is lacking, interpersonal conflict develops, including empathy, passive-aggressiveness, fear, and clinginess. When it comes to developing meaningful romantic relationships, our early attachments can predict behavior, whether healthy or maladaptive.

Types of Attachment

1. Avoidant

When a person demonstrates this form of attachment, one can generally expect a desire to maintain emotional independence. These are individuals who were not provided with adequate sensitivity or attention. The parent or caregiver may lack responsiveness or coolly detached from their role as a provider. As such, the child and later the adult learns to become emotionally independent. 

Signs: 

• Avoids deep emotional closeness.

• The desire to be emotionally close manifests as clinginess.

• Withdraws from emotionally challenging situations.

• Demonstrates passive-aggressive tendencies

• Suppressing unpleasant memories.

• Has a strong sense of independence and fails to include partners in critical decision-making.

• Primarily concerned with their own needs.

Tips for developing a secure attachment - Start with yourself. Build self-esteem and self-compassion by monitoring yourself. Consider if you speak harshly and critically of yourself. Do you say things like "I am not good enough for this relationship." or "He/she is never coming back after this argument." Challenge yourself to make changes that reflect what you want in a relationship, such as, "I'm the best possible partner I can be." and "I work through relationship challenges effectively."

2. Fearful Avoidant

This person operates from a mindset of, "I don't need you but don't leave me." A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment exists between a mean of two extremes. On one hand, they are afraid of being hurt by being too emotionally close to others, yet they are terrified by the thought of being too distant. They are prone to emotional outbursts and have no strategy for connecting with others. Consider this person's reactions as a pendulum swing as they waver between fear of rejection yet the fear of intimacy.

Signs: 

• Has highly emotional relationships.

• Has conflicting feelings about relationships.

• Look for reasons/excuses to leave a relationship.

• Resists long-term commitment.

• Filled with self-doubt and doubts about the relationship.

Tip for developing secure attachment - Create a journal to help analyze your thought processes. Are you generally more positive or negative? Take the time to journal about what you and your partner do well. Assess whether you are meeting your partner's needs and your own by keeping note of your interactions.

3. Anxious

Those with this form of attachment are generally afraid that others will not be around when needed. They may have experienced some form of neglect in the past that has caused emotional suffering. They often display emotional neediness and look to others to solve their problems for them. Their self-sabotaging behavior comes off as insecure, desperate, and unpredictable to seek attention. Ultimately this person pushes other people away instead of drawing them closer.

Signs: 

• Overly clingy.

• Whines to get their way.

• Requires frequent reassurance.

• No amount of closeness and intimacy is ever enough.

Tip for developing secure attachment -  Develop secure attachment with security exercises such as answering relationship-building questions with your partner or engaging in eye gaze meditation.

Refrain from expecting perfection from yourself and/or your partner. Naturally, we do not always get what we want out of a relationship. The ability to communicate compassionately helps separate the masters from the disasters in relationships. Not getting what we want is not synonymous with a partner's love or a sign that they will leave.

4. Secure

This form of attachment is ideal. Adults who are securely attached tend to have optimistic outlooks on life and in relationships. They enjoy being connected with others, offer support when needed, and are open with their emotional experiences.

Signs: 

• Both trusting and trustworthy.

• Desire long-term relationships. 

• Possess high self-esteem.

• Seeks out social and emotional support.

• Willing to share feelings with others.

Avoidant, anxious, and fearful attachment styles can sabotage a person's ability to form trusting, strong relationships. One must examine their self-narrative and upbringing to identify which form they may have to attempt to mitigate issues that prevent them from connecting with others in a meaningful way. Communication is the key to challenging current thought processes. 

Which attachment style are you?

Find out. Here’s the attachment style quiz created by the Attachment Project.