How To Create Couple Goals In Your Relationship This Year
Couple goals are more than a hashtag on Instagram that makes us feel like we're not where we're supposed to be. The true couple goals meaning doesn't come in one-size. They vary from couple to couple. Think relationship goals but for people in two-person relationships.
They can be where you see yourselves in the next year or in the next five years. They can be projects and aspirations you want to achieve together like remodeling the bathroom or traveling the states. They can also be smaller goals like going to a concert every month, volunteering on the holidays, or adopting a puppy. Couple goals are plans you have for your relationship. They're expectations and dreams that you share with your partner in life... how you see your relationship matching how they see it. And the steps you take to get there can be empowering, and they can be challenging.
As you head back into "normal life” again, where yes, COVID-19 still exists, take a beat and reflect on how insane this year has been. Come up for air from this chaotic year and zero in on your dreams, hopes, and goals for yourself and your relationship. Visualize what you see happening in 2021, and then share that with your partner.
A blueprint for the future could be a nice change of pace for all of us. So let's talk about how to go about creating couple goals and being each other's support system.
Photo by @anneliesephillips
First, what are your personal goals?
You should already have some goals of your own before you create relationship goals. You know, the ones you lie awake at night thinking about and strive for during the day. What are some of your personal goals, big and small (they all count)? Think about it and then write ‘em out. Seeing the amazingness of your mind scrawled out in front of you can be enlightening.
You may have a goal of learning how to work with clay or play the piano. Of gardening more often or eating meat less often. You may dream of biking across the state you live in or finally finishing that script you’ve been slaving away at. The kind of things that make your heart light up are your personal goals. You have to acknowledge those before you dive into creating goals as a unit. It's how you stay yourself in a relationship.
Their goals may not be yours but they don’t need to be.
What kind of planner are you?
You've written your personal goals out, great! Now, what kind of planner are you? That is, how do you live your day to day life? Do you go with the flow? Do you have an hour-by-hour schedule? Or are you somewhere in the middle, where a few set intentions coincide with the fluidity of life?
Sit with yourself on this one. Give yourself time to think it over. Once you've figured it out, consider how it factors into your relationship. What is your dynamic like when it comes to planning anything? More often than not, you’ll already know what it is.
A few "for instances"…
If you’re always the one to log things into your shared calendar and they go with it, that’s a sign of a clear dynamic.
If you’re the one waiting for them to come up with plans for the day when you travel somewhere, that’s a sign of a clear dynamic.
If you’re the one who brings up future plans that exceed the next three months, that’s a sign of a clear dynamic.
These are only examples and we are by no means hating on either of the planning types involved. Everyone is different, which is why it's so darned valuable to be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses.
How does this align with who your partner is?
Tempt your partner to figure out their planning type as you're figuring out yours. This way, you can even the playing field before you have a conversation about goals. There are some wonderful questions to go with finding this out in the main Couple Summit Guide. They’ll sit down with themselves and go through the same process as you, landing on the kind of planner they are.
Intense.
Go with the flow.
Somewhere in the middle.
There’s no set time limit for this (we’ll call it) exercise. Take all the time you need. Another good way to suss this out is to take a gander at your calendars. What’s in there? Factory setting holidays and birthdays from Facebook? You are not an intense planner, my friend.
Share what you discover with each other. Don’t worry if your planning types don’t match or if they’re opposites. Relationships involve some compromise. This is one of those areas in life where a little compromise doesn't hurt.
What are some things you both want?
Real relationship goals are about figuring out what you both want out of your relationship and creating tangible steps to get there.
When two people are in a relationship, their personal goals don’t disappear. Those two individual dream lives become one dream life — a combination of personal and couple goals.
Some non-exhaustive examples of what a couple goal can look like are below.
Spend more time together.
Treat ourselves (and each other) kinder.
Spice things up in the intimacy department.
Learn more about each other.
Complete a project together.
Travel together.
Try new things.
Fulfill a life milestone.
If it helps, you can each start a sentence with “I want” or “I want us to” and fill in the blank. Keep your intentions on growing your relationship and meet each other. I recommend using a journal to keep track of your couple goals for the new year (and beyond). Accountability is easier this way.
Now, hold each other accountable.
You've got a handful (or more?) of dreams, aspirations, and hopes you both share for the future. Now comes the hard part — sticking to them. Creating tangible steps that bring you closer to those dreams and staying on the same page along the way. You do this with accountability.
Dig into the kind of accountability you need from your partner and they need from you. Believe it or not, not everyone reacts to motivation in the same way. Do you need someone to nag you into chasing your dream of writing a book? Do you need a light reminder every week that you should be spending time training for that marathon?
Help each other and do it in a way that truly resonates. Some people need more of a push than others. Some people prefer to be coddled into action. Be each other’s cheerleaders, confidants, advocates.
You can find the sweet spot of accountability in your relationship in many ways.
Set your intentions with each other. Dedicate a routine time to share your intentions with each other. Before bed, once a week, once a month — whatever time frame works for you two.
Plan a routine check-in time. Set a routine time to go over the progress you’ve made. Once a week or once a month, whatever time frame makes the most sense for your couple goals.
Coordinate a check-in phrase. Life gets heavy sometimes. An inside phrase you use with each other to realign outside of your routine check-in times can help.
Be open, honest, and communicate (especially when it’s hard). Talk about the stuff you feel super uncomfortable talking about. You’re in this together so keep each other involved.
Appreciate the effort and understand setbacks happen. The journey to a dream isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows. Sometimes things get out of control and they escape us. Acknowledge your progress and don’t get discouraged by setbacks.
Encourage and show up for each other. The perks of being in a relationship are that you have someone to support you. Even when you're feeling especially crumby.
Use this time together to lay out your expectations of each other. We even created a Couple Goals Workbook to make the process so much easier. And to make it even more fun, you can include a few light relationship resolutions to look forward to in the new year. Your choice!
