How to be Sexually Candid
Be honest. Do you know how to talk about sex with your partner? If yes, how much do you talk about it? Our society does little to nothing to encourage sexual candor, even between long-term partners. Our society does not encourage it. However, talking about sex really does help you have better sex and a better relationship. It's a vital part of gaining sexual confidence.
Unfortunately, as couples seldom talk about sex, dissatisfaction can set in and this can ultimately lead to relationship failure.
What is Sexual Confidence?
Sexual confidence or sexual self-confidence is an aspect of sexual satisfaction. It is all about not just knowing you are sexy, but being aware of your own needs and desires and being able to communicate them to a partner.
Cis men tend to value sexual confidence more than cis women, due to societal expectations, but everyone wants a certain degree of (but not too much) sexual confidence in their partner. Too much confidence can come across as arrogance and as not valuing your partner's needs. It is also generally higher if you have a good relationship in general. Having a strong marriage means feeling free to ask for what you need and discuss it with your partner without nerves.
Understanding Your Body
A key part of sexual confidence is understanding your specific needs particularly for women, who tend to have more variable anatomy and responses, there is no one size fits all.
Exploring your own sexuality, alone or with a partner, is the only way to know what really turns you on. This often brings us up against stigma in a world where we are not encouraged to admit to having even the most harmless fetish. Some of us also have hangups about masturbation, whether it's the feeling that it's wrong, the feeling that you shouldn't need to when you have a partner (not necessarily true), or about touching our bodies in general.
Experimenting with masturbation and toys can help you better understand what makes you tick, which is not the same as what makes anyone else tick. We all have a sexual excitation system and a sexual inhibition system, and you need to work out what triggers the former and avoids the latter.
Talking About Sex With Your Partner
As already mentioned, we are socialized not to talk about sex much, if at all. We are also particularly socialized not to talk about it with the opposite sex, which may lead to more communication issues for heterosexual couples. It might be ironic that people are more comfortable doing sex than discussing sex, but most people have this particular hangup.
Yet, it's vital to talk about sex whether you are having "bedroom issues" or not. Too many couples go months or years having sex that is satisfying neither of them, each thinking the other is fine. An orgasm might be one sign of satisfactory sex, but it is absolutely possible to have one and still not be satisfied.
So, how do you start the conversation about sex?
Here are some suggestions.
Warm Up to It Slowly
If you are having difficulty talking about sex, then you need to work and build up to it. Start by talking about the kind of touch you enjoy, discuss massage and daily affection. Then slowly shift to talking about more intimate topics. Ask them what they have always wanted to try.
Avoid comparing them to any of your former lovers or partners, and always start off by promising to listen and be respectful.
Let Go of Orgasm as a Measure of Success
An orgasm doesn't mean you are satisfied. Not having an orgasm doesn't mean you are not satisfied. This goes for any particular type of orgasm too, such as vaginal orgasms.
Make sure that you and your partner aren't hung up on coming or, almost worse, ensuring that the other comes. There is a tendency amongst many couples to think that you aren't done until they finish, but sometimes orgasms don't happen, and sometimes they don't need to. Make sure that you communicate this to your partner and don't be surprised if they feel the same way.
Write a Sexual Wish List
Writing can be less awkward than talking. Writing a sexual wish list that gives the things you would like to try and experiment with and then sharing it with your partner can be a good way around the "sex conversation" awkwardness.
You can then compare your lists and talk about which things you do want to try and which you might need to work up to. But you might be surprised to find out that your partner is just as interested in using a vibrator to enhance foreplay as you are!
Share Fantasies
It can be hard to share your fantasies with your partner, especially if they include celebrities or people other than your partner. Doing so, though, can be a fulfilling experience.
This does not have to be limited to fantasies that are feasible or ethical to act out. If you are fantasizing about a threesome with Scarlet Johanssen, then talking about it can work well as foreplay. Make sure to set clear boundaries.
Some fantasies may end up being something you can try or even a relationship goal. "I want to have sex on a Caribbean beach" could lead you straight into planning a future vacation.
Plan For Conflict and Compromise
Finally, you need to be ready for the fact that you may have a fantasy they are not remotely interested in or vice versa. This doesn't just go for things like "I have always wanted to be tied up," but expectations about oral sex and trying different positions.
Think about how you will react if they veto an idea, be strong enough to say no...but also ready to suggest alternatives and work on compromises. Maybe they aren't quite ready to actually be tied up but would be willing to try some much milder restraints.
This all comes back to the promise to listen respectfully. It's important not to get defensive or to shut them down.
Sexual confidence and self-awareness are vital for a strong intimate relationship. They can help you love your body which, in turn, helps you develop that confidence and have better sex.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or still not sure where to start, consider our Couple Goal Workbook, which can help you with your communication in general. Then sign up for our 7-day relationship health checkup to help you work out where your relationship needs work and develop a plan to make it even stronger.
