Three Lessons I learned from the Poly Community

Being Poly isn’t normal. A polyamorous relationship isn’t a real relationship - it’s just a free pass to sleep around.

These were the thoughts swimming around in my head when I first met a friend who was in a polyamorous relationship.

At the time, this concept was so foreign and hard to grasp.

How could you love more than one person? How could you feel special if your partner loved someone else?

My new friend and I got along great, and I wanted to keep her in my life. Still, she kept inviting me into her poly community, and I honestly felt very uncomfortable being around so many people I did not yet understand.

Thankfully, my friend was patient and helped educate me as to how polyamorous relationships worked. She didn’t owe me an explanation, but she was kind enough to teach me over the years - it was a formative friendship and experience that I am forever grateful for.

Through her and her relationships, I learned many lessons that I could apply to my own monogamous relationships to make them healthier and myself happier.

Here are three that I’ll share with you:

LESSON 1: KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU WANT

People are all different and have different wants and needs in a relationship. Being aware of when you are getting what you need (or not) is a moment to self-reflect and ask yourself why that may be.

My poly friends explained to me that “traditional” love and relationships were difficult for them - exploring other kinds of relationships was just their way of trying to find a situation that would make them happy. Even within polyamory, there are so many different kinds of partnerships - I’m not an expert here, but I was exposed to ones that were more focused on physical needs and some that were more focused on emotional connection. 

My friends had done a lot of soul searching to figure out how to build a relationship that allowed them to love their partner(s) in a healthy way.

Figuring out what you want and need in a relationship is important - not knowing what will fulfill you makes it hard to find fulfillment. Everyone can benefit from knowing themselves better.

LESSON 2: COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Knowing yourself and what you want takes time, but the second part to that is being able to articulate your wants and needs clearly. Setting expectations and boundaries is also important.

Being honest with yourself and your partner is the only way to truly ensure someone can be on the same page as you and give you what you need. 

Sometimes that means sleeping with multiple people or having multiple relationships. Sometimes it means being monogamous but having more space to build your own individual life. Sometimes it means you and your partner aren’t a match, and it’s time to move on. There are so many ways this can play out, but it all starts with honest communication.

LESSON 3: THE RIGHT PARTNER(S) IS IMPORTANT

A polyamorous relationship is still seen as “unique” today - it takes a patient and open-minded partner to be willing to explore this type of relationship for both you and themselves. It also takes a very secure partner to support you in your chosen relationships and someone who does not add toxicity to your life.

Monogamous or Polyamorous - this is the kind of partner everyone deserves. There are so many ways to express love and receive love - having the right partner who is willing to grow and learn with you without judgment is such a healthy part of a relationship.

It feels a bit foolish of me to oversimplify my learnings into such a short summary. The truth is that the list of lessons I learned is actually quite endless, and I’m continuing to learn to this day. I was also only exposed to a small part of the poly community, and there are so many kinds of relationships that I’m not aware of - I am by no means an expert. 

However, I was in awe of how in touch my friends were with themselves. I was inspired by how honest and communicative they were in their relationships. My bar for partnership was raised when I met the incredibly understanding partners my friends had. I realized that these traits were not just healthy for poly relationships but relationships in general.

Oh, and a bonus lesson I learned from the poly community was that I needed to grow up and be more open-minded.