8 Red Flags To Look Out For In a Relationship
Having you been struggling in your relationship recently? Are you feeling neglected or unloved? Perhaps your gut is telling you that you are not being treated right, but your partner tells you that you are imagining it. Who is right? And how can you know?
Firstly, you are not crazy. If your gut is telling you something, it is a good idea to listen. Admitting that your partner might be toxic is hard. You love your partner and you want this relationship to work.
However, some behaviors just cannot be passed up. For your own health and safety, it is better to identify red flags and address them sooner rather than later. Here are eight red flags to keep your eye out for.
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1. They Always Want More From You
A toxic partner is never satisfied with what you have to offer them. You will never be enough for them - not because of you, but because of their own expectations and entitlement. This may play out in several ways.
Your partner may ask you to do good things (like eating healthy or working out), but insinuate that you should do it for them, not for your own health and benefit. They may imply (or say outright) that you owe them favors or you are required to complete tasks for them. They may tell you that you are not doing enough for them and you have to put in more effort.
2. They Constantly Blame You and Put You Down
This red flag often follows close behind the previous one. As your partner requires more and more of you, they begin to criticize when they do not get their way. They blame relationship problems completely on you, often telling you to get your act together or shape up if you want things to work out. They also take every opportunity to put you down verbally.
They may say things like, "You are just being lazy... Why can't you do what I want?... Why did you buy that? It doesn't look good on you... Your cooking tastes terrible... Why can't you do anything right?" Remember, this kind of speech is categorized as verbal abuse, especially when it is a common occurrence over a period of time.
3. They Never Apologize Or Admit to Making Mistakes
Sometimes this red flag is hard to notice at first. But it is one of the biggest signs that you should turn and run. Everybody makes mistakes in life. Everyone hurts people who are close to them. Part of being in a healthy relationship is recognizing when you have done wrong, apologizing to your partner, and doing what you can to make amends.
Admitting mistakes does not mean you are a bad person - it actually shows that you are a mentally and emotionally healthy person! If someone refuses to apologize or admit to mistakes, however, that is a sign of narcissism and pride. Your partner may simply ignore any signs that they have hurt you, or dismiss you when you bring up instances to them. This is one red flag you do not want to miss.
4. They Want Access to Your Money
Money can get complicated. And every couple chooses to approach financial issues differently. Some keep private accounts and split bills; some have joint accounts and private accounts; some choose to share all their finances - especially if the relationship is well-established. All of these are fine ways to handle your finances as a couple.
However, if your partner has an unusual interest in your money, or is constantly asking for chunks out of your personal paycheck, this is an issue. Also, remember: joint accounts should be used for joint purchases and shared home/life expenses. If your partner is using joint accounts to purchase expensive personal items, this should give you pause.
5. They Invalidate Your Emotions and Experiences
Have you ever tried to share your heart with someone, only to have them shrug and say, "It couldn't have been that bad"? What a hurtful experience! Yet toxic partners do this kind of thing all the time. Take note of how your partner responds when you share your inner thoughts or deep emotions with them.
If your partner responds with silence or simply changes the subject, this makes you feel unheard and like your emotions are not worthwhile. Red flag! Other red flag responses might look like this: "I don't believe you... Why are you making this a big deal?... No one else feels that way... You're a big baby... That doesn't make sense." This kind of response shows up their emotional immaturity, not yours.
6. They Refuse to Give You Access to Their Technology
When one partner is hiding something, it can often go unnoticed for months and even years (because, well, that's exactly what they want). Yet dishonesty slowly affects them, chipping away at their love for you and leaving you wondering why they seem different. It is hard to discover a liar because they are often quite good at deception. But one way to check for suspicious behavior is how they react when you use their phones, computers, etc.
If they are scrolling their phone, do they jump and try to hide it when you come up behind them? Do they freak out when you use their laptop to look something up? Do they refuse to share their passwords with you? This behavior indicates that they are hiding something, and that never bodes well.
7. They Push Your Boundaries
This behavior can be very subtle, but it is nonetheless a big red flag. If your partner does not respect your boundaries, that means they do not respect you. And this is a serious issue. After all, any healthy relationship will have boundaries; you are not required to do every single thing your partner asks just because you are in a relationship. If your partner does not take no for an answer, you need to step back and consider whether they really are who you thought they were.
Some examples might include: pushing for sex or some kind of specific sexual favor when you are not ready, pressuring you to make a purchase together that you do not want to make, forcing you to spend time with their family over yours, harassing you over your political views, requiring that you spend time with toxic people, etc.
8. They Threaten You to Get Their Way
Toxic partners are master manipulators. They know how to get their way. And if they do not get their way, they throw a tantrum and try to scare you into doing what they want you to do. They may use various threats in order to control your actions. Often, toxic partners will threaten to leave the relationship unless you do what they ask. They may also threaten to expose information about you to your family or others, retract their financial contributions to the relationships, or take away some privilege they think they have given you. This kind of behavior is abusive, and your partner is trying to maintain control over you.
Reading about red flags is difficult - there is no doubt about that. You may feel the urge to deny any red flags because you would rather not shake your world or you are afraid of confronting your partner. You are not alone!
If you need an advocate, or simply need help sorting through your thoughts and identifying harmful behaviors, Couple Summit is here to help. And always remember, listen to your gut! It knows what you need.
