Summit Survey Series Alpha(2/5): What Are 3 Lessons Marriage Has Taught You?"
Welcome to the Summit Survey Series - it's great to have you here with us!
During this series, we are exploring the questions answered by people you wanted to solve it. Each article will explore the statements and the solutions that could be applied in your relationship. We conducted this detailed survey to find the answers to your questions with the results to provide further resources that will genuinely help you. You can read through all five articles or dive straight into the topic that best suits your current concerns. All the question articles can be found under 'Research' 'Blog' or searching for 'Summit Survey Series' on the Blog search bar.
If you are interested in viewing more detailed information about the study, the files are available listed below:
The Quantitative Report (PDF) | The Report Keynote Summary (PDF) | The Raw Data (xlsx)
Question 2 of 5: What are 3 Lessons Marriage has Taught You?”
Answered by: 132 Married Individuals throughout America.
In this second article of our series, we are moving on to look at what lessons marriage might teach us, drawn from the experience of our survey responders.
The question of ‘what 3 lessons marriage can teach’ certainly sparked some thought. We received a significant and unified response, which all seemed to be very much aligned. So let’s get right into it! More than any other question we asked, the results of this specific question were undoubtedly the most unanimous. So what did our married responders tell us? What did they have to share about what they have learned during their marriages of varying durations?
Patience, patience, and more patience!
Of those we surveyed, a large majority of responses related to patience. Married responders told us that patience was not only the most vital element of a successful marriage but also the skill that was most important to develop and refine if the relationship was going to work out in the short and long term. It was described as ‘the single most important’ factor, and that it was highly necessary for it be applied during moments of conflict specifically.
Patience isn’t just about learning to hold your tongue or waiting the right amount of time to have your turn to speak. Patience applies in so many areas of a healthy, happy relationship. Sometimes it will be necessary to apply patience when a situation doesn’t make sense to you, or you aren’t seeing eye to eye with your partner, while you work out a solution together. Or you might need to be patient in holding off from confrontation when you recognise your partner is not emotionally capacitated to offer their vulnerability, or they need support in other ways. Offering the gift of patience to your partner is one of the ways you can build vital trust with them over time. Once your partner knows you are there for them beyond your own needs and desires (balanced healthily with theirs) they will be able to trust in the partnership all the more. Relationships naturally hold moments where one person foregoes their own needs temporarily in order to support the other person where needed, and this is a healthy behaviour as long as the same is offered in return. These loving behaviours within marriage are all extensions from the nurturing core practice of patience.
The remaining lessons that our survey responders offered us were rooted from unconditional love. From the collective of people we asked, unconditional love was described as something that went ‘far beyond a feeling’ and that it was less of a phenomenon and more a conscious choice to be made every day of the marriage. Every responder voted that this form of love, without conditions or ties, was what was key to a healthy marriage in the long term. Our responders felt primarily that unconditional love went beyond the love of pre-married days. They felt that the love they had experienced and developed before marriage was powerful, yet their responses demonstrate that the type and form of love they experienced once they had said their vows was not only powerful but that it was a choice. They had committed legally and emotionally to the marriage, and this was a part of their process. Typically, media and film images that depict marriage tend to focus on the big white wedding day for the most part. There is often a grand build-up to the wedding itself and no further, just as we saw in the Disney movies we grew up with. Every romantic storyline from our favorite animated movies typically ended with a princess disappearing into the distance with her husband as a perfect happy ending. Sound familiar at all? That’s because we have all been drowning in matrimonial cliche (and similar such falsity) since we first arrived on the planet.
In truth, your wedding is really just the beginning. It is the start of your journey together, not the peak, and certainly not the end. This is your moment to start laying tracks and foundations for the life you both wish to build and share together. You don’t have to follow a template. Don’t be tempted to be fooled by idealistic social media posts that show glowing couples without a care in the world, either. The true brilliance of marriage lies in the construction process - which isn’t always as ‘sexy’ as Instagram will allow you to realize! Make this journey unique to you both. Follow your instincts and feel out each step of the way, depending on your own needs and desires. Listen to one another. Then listen again. Keep listening and never stop. Share your vulnerabilities and work through your obstacles as a team. Have each other’s back! Never lose sight of the value of unconditional love, and the true asset that patience will be in your future marriage experience together. You’ve got this. You have the gift of one another. Step bravely - hand in hand, whenever possible!
