How to Write Your Wedding Vows
Let me begin with a disclosure: I am neither married nor engaged. That being said, as people’s ‘poet’ friend, I have often been asked for advice on how they should write their wedding vows, and I am here to share that advice with you today!
With time, wedding vows have become increasingly personalized as couples decide to stray away from traditions—particularly those that prioritize subservient and binary gender roles—and curate ceremonies that reflect their own beliefs and love story. And though I think this is a great development, I’d be lying if I said that personalizing wedding vows doesn’t come with any added pressure— especially since they are said in front of an audience. It can also be tricky since partners often have separate vows that are only shared with the other person during the ceremony. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate with your partner about your plans— it is good to be on the same page!
Photo by Maria Orlova from Pexels
Follow the steps below to ensure not only that you are happy with the wedding vows you write, but also that your partner will be over the moon on y’all’s special day!
Step one: decide how long your wedding vows should be
Even if you want to save sharing what you’ve written with your partner until the ceremony, you should still try to agree on a general word count for your wedding vows. It can be awkward if one person’s vows are extensive and mellifluous when the other’s vows are brief and to the point, which is something I’m sure nobody wants on their wedding day since it can give off the false impression that one of you is more ‘invested’ in the relationship than the other.
Something else to consider while deciding on a length for your wedding vows is what the estimated timespan of your ceremony already is— nobody wants their guests to become fidgety or bored. So, if your ceremony is already veering toward being lengthier, perhaps consider either having briefer wedding vows or shortening another part of the ceremony; if your ceremony is already fairly concise, perhaps consider having lengthier wedding vows.
Step two: brainstorm
I’ve found that the most potent wedding vows have been ones that unfold from a small, seemingly insignificant kernel of information that means something special to the couple. This is so powerful because even lengthier wedding vows are brief when compared to other forms one might choose to express feelings about their beloved, like a love letter.
Begin by trying to pinpoint the moment you decided that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your partner— when you watched how tenderly their hand curls in sleep, when you had a meaningful conversation and shared an otherworldly orgasm in the same night, when they were who visited you in the hospital every day and brought yummy snacks, when their face reflected multihued lights at a concert as their smile beamed back at you, when you watched them play with a little kid and giggle like a child, when you read a love poem they wrote for you.
This moment will likely be immensely personal— potentially even too personal to share with wedding guests. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t use it for your wedding vows. Ultimately, what’s important is that your partner knows the significance of what you’re saying, and there’s something special about using a symbol that contains a secret, multilayered meaning for the two of you. That being said, of course it’s also totally fine to use something that is straightforward!
After you’ve chosen a specific and intimate moment, identify a particular detail from then that you are comfortable sharing with others. Here are some ideas for how to do so:
Was there music playing? If so, what song was it?
Was there food involved? If so, what kind of food?
Were you somewhere special? If so, what was unique about that location?
Were you at home? If so, where is your favorite place to be with your partner at home?
Can you remember a certain smell? If so, what was it?
Were there any flora or fauna there? If so, what kind?
Was a family member (like either their, your or y’all’s child) present? If so, how have they meaningfully shaped your relationship?
Step three: choose a location to write your wedding vows
As when you are sitting down to compose anything, where you are writing your wedding vows will likely influence what you write. Here are some ideas for where to write and how to set the mood for doing so:
If the moment you’ve chosen to use as a kernel is location-based and it’s possible to go there, try to write your wedding vows at that location.
If it is smell-based, try to immerse yourself in that scent.
If there is an object involved, keep that object at hand.
If you need an anchor for your memory, look at a photo that reminds you of or is from then.
If a particular song is important, listen to that song
But no matter what you need to do to get in the right headspace, be sure you’re physically at ease before you start writing so that you aren’t distracted by discomfort.
Step four: write a rough draft
Try not to overthink while writing your rough draft— just get everything down onto a page. If you find that thinking about the agreed upon length is making you freeze-up, try to forget that for the moment; you can always edit what you have written to honor what you and your partner agreed upon regarding length. You also shouldn’t worry about sounding official or using super elevated diction— just be yourself.
Step five: take a break
Prior to editing your rough draft, you might want to take a break and give your ideas some room to breathe! I find that taking a break can help me look at what I’ve been writing with fresh eyes (and possibly even new ideas). But if you want to keep writing, please go right ahead and do so!
Step six: edit your rough draft
This is when you have to make some tough decisions. For example, if your rough draft ended up being much longer or shorter than the agreed upon length, you should either work on making it the correct length or consult your partner to see if they’re okay with this modification.
You should also ensure that there are no grammatical errors in your wedding vows— even though people can’t see the punctuation while you’re speaking, they can still hear your sentence structure.
Most importantly, make sure that your wedding vows feel good both aurally and emotionally. To gauge this, go somewhere private and practice saying what you have written out loud. Do the words flow nicely? Is there anything important that may be missing? Does it still make sense once it is off the page? Does it make you a bit giddy?
Step seven: transcribe your wedding vows
Unless you have a great memory and no stage fright, this step is very important because you will need to clearly see your vows as they are exchanged during the ceremony so that the vows you have worked so hard on come across as intended. I recommend typing out your vows for the ceremony in an easily readable font and size. You could have the vows on a plain (or nice!) piece of paper or perhaps a more subtle flashcard.
If you want to make the transcribed wedding vows a bit more personal, writing them by hand on special paper might be more your style. This is also something you could do after the wedding vows have served their official purpose and can be preserved in a less utilitarian way as a keepsake. For example, if you want to be romantic and are drawn to sentimental mementos, perhaps consider framing y’all’s handwritten vows as a surprise gift for your spouse on the honeymoon!
Step eight: celebrate!
At the end of the day what really matters is that you are proclaiming and celebrating y’all’s unconditional love, which is wonderful no matter how you choose to write or transcribe your wedding vows. So, follow your heart and smile real big— it’s time to celebrate y’all’s special day!
